Kip's Movie & Music Reviews

"Duck Soup" is, without a doubt, one of the most emotionally exhausting films I have seen in many years ("Ordinary People", maybe, or the last six or seven Steven Seagal movies). Matt Damon stars as Groucho Marx in this lurid tale of desire thwarted.

Groucho marries a lovely seamstress named Lily (Jennifer Lopez) and periodically he tells her of his favorite sexual fantasy...being a cuckold and sharing her with other men. She listens but does not offer even a hint of what she thinks about it. Several years go by and Lily finds herself arranging a threesome with Groucho's brothers Harpo (Matt Dillon) and Zeppo (Ryan Gosling)...this all takes place on one of her regular weekend visits. She meets them in a cheap hotel room and she has all her camera gear set up. In the beginning the guys had some doubts about being filmed, but Lily was the kind of gal who could convince a man that anything she desires is worth the cost paid for it.

The evening ends and Lily has her movie. She goes home and calls for Groucho. Marx saunters into the room and sits next to her. Videotape in hand, she asks him if he had ever been really serious about sharing her with other men.

Groucho is taken aback. All this time he had been hinting and she hadn't so much as validate that she'd even heard. Now she brings it up and he can tell she's serious. He thinks long and hard about it and decides that fantasies should probably remain just that.

"Too late", she says.

And it is at this point that "Duck Soup" establishes itself as a postmodern masterwork. How does Groucho react as he watches videotape of his wife with two big, beefy black men. Does he wimp out and let it bring him down? Does he rejoice now that he is a genuine certified cuckold? Could this be a new chapter in their marriage, primarily to their sex life? Does Harpo play the harp or is it the piano in this one? Both? How does Gosling pull off the Zeppo character? Does he infuse it with the charm and intimacy of the real deal? Isn't it neat to think of Jennifer Lopez as a slut for a change?

Dillon's a little weak, but overall "Duck Soup" is a solid 4 out of 5.

Little Big Town...Big Little Town. Either way you spin it, it don't make sense. How can a "little" town be big? How can a "big" town be little? This contemporary country quartet are doomed from the start because they've got a nonsensical name. Might as well have named it "Hot Cold Brew" or "Left Right Cattle Prod". "Up Down Bunny Rabbit" would make as much sense as Little Big Town.

Have you seen their video? Not the new one ("I'm With the Band") but the one before? Every one of those bozos look like their posing for a portrait at a studio in Wal-Mart or Sears. Not just in a few of the shots...not even in most of them...in ALL of them. Each frame makes you want to wipe those bogus smiles right off of their faces.

As for "I'm With the Band"...you can tell that one member, the one with the artificially curled hair, is pregnant, about to pop. I wonder if one of the other guys in the band is the daddy? It may be that one of the guys in the band is her husband...but that still leaves me to wonder if the other guy is the kid's pop. Stranger things have happened.

As you can see, Little Big Town is pretty much a worthless endeavour for all involved. Anyone who has spent money on their "music" should demand a refund. As for the rest of us...

1 out of 5 Stars

PS...Though it is obvious that Little Big Town has a silly name and worthless music, you have to admit that the two gals look BITCHIN' in the above photo...
***Pant Pant Drool Drool***

"Eastern Promises", David Cronenberg's latest fright-fest, is most definitely one of the most disturbing movies I've seen in a long time.

Don't get me wrong...although it is creepy as all fuck, there are many aspects of the film that redeem it from what can only be described as C-grade top shelf horror show fare. Viggo Mortensen's performance, for instance, is Oscar worthy. He has not exuded such brash confidence since 05's smash romantic comedy, "A History of Violence".

Moreover, it was a stroke of genius on Cronenberg's part in pairing Mortensen with Humphrey Bogart. The two actors play off each with such ease that you often find yourself wondering if they may have been twins separated at birth. Bogart's steamy affair with Naomi Watts is filled with an authenticity rarely seen in this day and age. It can't be easy working with a screen legend of Mr. Bogart's well-earned status, but Mortensen rises to the occasion with an ease unheard of in this age of disposable "talent".

"Eastern Promises" is a well made hybrid of "Goodfellas" and the hit television sensation "American Idol". Dean "Jelly" Clark (Mortensen), is record producer working on the west coast. Leading a double life he also moonlights as an unauthorized hit man for the Costra Nostra. One night after a particularly successful recording session with Dig "Word" Russel (Snoop Doggy Dogg) he finds himself channel surfing in the lounge. By happenstance (or fate, what have you) he lands on the Fox network's re-broadcast of the previous evening's "American Idol". It is here that he spots Peggy "Sweet-tooth" Bernard (Naomi Watts), who has managed, through sheer persistence, to make it to the final round of the competition.

Bernard knows she hasn't got a chance in hell of winning the competition. The American public is infatuated with her competitor, the baby-faced Randy "BabyFace" Nelson (masterfully portrayed by Ryan Gosling). It almost goes without saying that Gosling's character will win the public's deciding vote.

"Jelly" Clark finds himself a victim of "love at first sight". He pulls some strings and secures a meeting with her.

Taking her to a swank eatery in San Francisco, he tries to win her love with offers of success on American Idol. "I can take care of this," he proclaims, his right hand fondling the 45 Magnum on his waist, drawing it ever so slightly from beneath his coat jacket so she knows he means business.

The idea seems like a good one to "Sweet-tooth", and so she tells him to go for it. Viggo's a nice looking man, and she knows she could do worse, so what the hell, right? "Jelly" makes a few calls, as he doesn't want to do the wack job alone. "Babyface" is marked for an early grave, but "Jelly" has too much riding on the success of "Word"'s career to pull the job off by himself (flashing his gun at Watts had only been a hint of what he was capable of doing if he had to...he much preferred outsourcing, though).

So he eventually contacts an associate he knew from way back in the days when he made his living hijacking beer trucks. Humphrey Bogart plays Raymond Cushing, a small time ant farmer moonlighting as an unauthorized hit man for the Costra Nostra, with operations based in the Bronx. It's a long ways from New York to Cali, Chandler lets it be known. Clark insists the trip would be worth the effort.

Clark offers Cushing a half million dollars to make the trip, put a bullet in Nelson's head, dispose of the body, then join him in making "Sweet-tooth"'s dream come true. Bogart jumps at the chance, but Mortensen says he needs to cover his own ass, after all, half a million is a lot of moolah. And so he lays out this laundry list of requirements that Bogart must meet. The money, Cushing thought, was worth the promises he had to make to "Jelly" before the job could be approved. The Eastern Promises secured, the action begins.

Without giving too much more of the storyline away, I'll only tell you that at one point Bogart betrays Morgensen and winds up in a swingers club with Watts. Initially the visit was little more than an aspect of some research that needed to be done on the infrastructure of "American Idol". But the sights and smells of the two dozen members swinging like monkeys in the trees is too much for both of them. They eventually wind up in a private booth. Naomi Watts, admittedly, is no Ingrid Bergman, but Humphrey doesn't seem to mind. She is, after all, a 21st Century American Phenomenon, and soon to be the new "American Idol", as all the Eastern Promises are fulfilled.

Damn good movie, great chemistry between Mortensen, Watts & Bogart. Snoop Dogg has never been better (his short-but-sweet performance in "Eastern Promises" is even better than his starring role in "Bones"). All in all, I give this Cronenberg masterpiece 4 out of 5 Stars.

Labels: Movies